positive thinking..

I feel SO much better today.

Your thoughts influence your actions, your actions influence your habbits, your habbits influence your character and your character influences your destiny. So to change your destiny, you have to start right from the root-level i.e. you have to start from your thoughts. Simply, think affirming and empowering thoughts and replace the negative and procrastinating thoughts with them. Whenever a negative thought comes in your mind, make a conscious effort to replace it with an empowering one and so that you can have your subconscious mind programmed for achieving changes and consequently success in your life.

I am strong

I am powerful

I can do anything

after 2 days I will have a birthday, nothing special in mind. Just want to get my place and relax my brain.

clock is wrong in this blog..i’m new in here and sometimes I don’t know how everything is wrking i n here. Its 22june and 21:29o’clock.

23.06.09 20:05 I’ve got my real lifesaving stuff- Cymbalta hope it’s going to be better soon!

It’s 22:58 and i feel terrible, I have again those thoughts that I don’t want to live anymore. I feel sick, and can’t stand nothing. I feel very dizzy, and I miss my mother. Maybe I should go to an ambulance….

I woke up 3:40 and feel little bit better. Now it’s 5:43 and I think I sleep little bit, and hope today is good day!

alone

I feel very alone. Even iside crowd I feel I’m totally alone and noone can understand me. I talked with my sster the other day over the phone, was looking for kind of understanding, that i feel i want to give up and i’m very tired. But I only felt more worse after this. Mys ister is studying a medicine 1 year and she thinks she knows everything about medicine and illness…Never mind, I must stop supposting her, i only feel people use me. I know she dont have money and she is a working student, but i feel i don’t want to help if she is like this. she is young but hypocritical. I saw her real face in winter too. What comes around coes around.

The Girl And The Robot :

I go mental every time you leave for work
You never seem to know when to stop
I never know when you’ll return
I’m in love with a robot

In the night, call you up and
Wanna know when you’re coming home
Don’t deny me, call me back
I’m so alone

In the night, wait up for you
Even though you don’t want me to
Go to bed, leave the lights on
What’s the use

So you want to understand me
You just see what you want to see
There’s no way I can help you out
You don’t know what it’s all about

Fell asleep again in front of MTV
God, I’m down at the bottom
No one’s singing songs for me
I can’t wait for tomorrow

When you’re gone and rain starts falling
I just sit here by the phone
Don’t deny me, call me back
I’m so alone

Oh, when you gonna come home?
Oooooh I just gotta know
When you gonna come home?
Oh

Baby I can’t stand it when you go to work
You never seem to know when to stop
I never know when you’ll return
I’m in love with a robot

In the night, call you up and
Wanna know when you’re coming home
Don’t deny me, call me back
I’m so alone

I feel like Robyn in her songs: Drama and harmonies swallowing each other to the left and to the right!!!

I think my lillehammer female friend took my boy. Ifight over stupid people over and over again. Thy 2 desurve eachother then. Even if i think i know it will not wrk out between 2of them, it doesn’t make me feel happy. But I don’t know this for sure. I just have a feeling. cause she is ignoring my calls.

I’m out of the shower, had breakfast, and thinking in the morning more positive. Its really awful thing how sick people can make you feel bad like they. If i was hanging around with those kinds of “left overs” then i’m not surprised they didn’t do something more sneaky behind my back. But i don’t like to but lables on people really. maybe they did… I feel confused again. I only get hurt when i spend more time with those ones who have little bit not straight way of life. Probobly they don’t even understand me, cause i have read that sick cant understand sarcasm or irony. I’m only wasting my nerves. why do I alwys get into troubble?

Going to see a doctor on thuersday. I feel dizzy and I see nightmares and this fight what happend in winter, I feel like it happend yesterday. I deffenetly need help, or Valium, so I can sleep again. but i fight through it. i throw myself into situations that shake me. fight it yourself. although this shit looks fun.Cronic anxiety is on some other level.Something you cannot controll and actually smoking weed and drinking can make it worse.I always thought people were just weak mineded and ask “how ca you not controll your min” untill it happend to me. You could be just chillin and then sommething just turns on in your brain to make you panic.You dont even have to be thinking bout thing. Anxiety is a part of life. I deal with it all the time, but I’ve never turned to prescription drugs pefore I stoped taking pills cause I don’t want to become addicted to this crap..

panic attacks, bad thoughts, can’t controll it. I need to maintain stress, i feel im going mental. I really need to keep my  mind off things that are worrying me… and helps with sleeping.

After few hours I was lucky to get 1 pill of Valium medicine desctiption 5 mg of Dizepan , it wrked and I really feel relaxed now. Fixed already new stash, from Belgium, blue pills.

The Wrong Focus

today i had suicidal thought again… how to cope with ‘that’?! In one moment I feel very down and then it goes back to normal- u understand that life is beautiful. I was sleeping all day in train and saw nightmares, now I don’t have a sleep. When I look myself from mirrow, I look so tired. My friend promised to call me tonight and check, but i already feel I will switch off my phone- have not mood for talking…%minuts ago I found out that Kristjan is probobly left from a country and now he is in Spain. i can’t belive how slow Police is, if that is true. Now i will never get back my money!!!

I calmed down now and again I’m thinking only about bad stuff He’s not my problem anymore, and if I think about this everyday, I might finish in crazy house! I wrote down things what i must do tomorrow and also going to see a doctor tomorrow to get things to get systemized.

All my problems come from being impulsive and my negative way of thinking. I need only money now, to think positive and need a good fuck! But better only to think about sex, money makes me feel angry cause its never anough and if u need it u cant get it nowwhere. It comes, eventually.

He’s assignment is to ma make me upset, then he feels good. I shoul think more like i’ve got nothing to loose anymore besides my nerves. So i should take care of those more now. I should not get angry and then he feels like shit. Cause above all he have a cort case on his shoulders!  If I can’t get my money back then he will fuck up  his life completly. Which is hot bad at all. I should be happy about it. I’ thinking- he run away to Spain and probobly live a good life in there. But what can you do in there if you have no money, cant  speak the language and without no brain. Gates back home are closed after that anyway. This Spain would be be more worse to him than prison. At least in prison u can get warm food and soft bed. And to talk with people.

I need remind myself taht all news i hear about him is a step to his total doom.

I feel very different all the time. When I read my blogs for excample, I don’t like it, almost can’t read it.

sounds so easy- “love yourself”- Wanna know me more? Read this!

I feel those people I call friends dont know how to handle my situation really, when I feel like ‘this’ and what do they do then? They just tell me to pull myself together… But thats the whole problem. I think i’m not able to do that by myself. i want things to be stable. It gives me better emotion…we all like things to be stable but nobody lives a stable life all the fucking time

4ndelicios